Author: Ben Bourland

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Ephesians 6:1-3

We now move onto how children should obey their parents. What I think is beautiful about this passage is that it doesn’t have a timeframe associated with it. I am to follow this as a child of my parents with the exception of “leaving and cleaving” in my covenantal marriage to my wife. Colossians 3:20 has a similar exhortation.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

All throughout the end of chapter 5 and now here in chapter 6, Paul’s ultimate call is for us to do these things because “it pleases the Lord”. The life experiences of our parents and their wisdom continue to help and impact us long into adulthood. I respect my parent’s opinions so much and I reach out to them for those opinions regularly. Now long into my age of account ability, I am responsible to the Lord for the decisions I make, but my thoughtful evaluation of their input has proven to be so beneficial.

Notice that Paul does not give the parents ammo to lord over our children here; it is a call specifically to the children to obey. It would not be honoring to the Lord for me to constantly remind my children of the command; but in our raising up of our family “in the ways of the Lord” will of course cover these aspects of God’s Word; it just shouldn’t be weaponized against them.

We have to assume that children (both boys and girls) were present when Paul’s letter was read to the Ephesian church. They would have been old enough to understand the concept of obeying and something they could embrace. Likewise, for those children who are not of an age to completely consume what is being said requires parents to understand the need for grace in regard to infants and toddlers who are learning what it means to be obedient and respectful of their parents.

The phrase “in the Lord” in Ephesians 6:1 simply means that children should obey their parents as part of their duty to God. It does not imply infant baptism or that children are full members of the community. The focus is on the relationship between children and their parents, emphasizing obedience because these are the parents given to them by the Lord. The term “in the Lord” refers to the verb “obey.” The verb “timaō” means to honor or respect someone. In this verse, it suggests a continuous attitude of respect, not just simple obedience. It means having a deep, personal regard for parents. This command is common in the New Testament and is a key part of Jewish culture.

This commandment is the first of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise. It promises a long life in the land for those who obey it. This is important because it shows how we should treat others, while the first four commandments focus on our relationship with God. Paul expands this promise to mean a long life on earth for everyone, not just the Israelites. However, this promise isn’t guaranteed, as other factors can affect one’s lifespan. The main idea is that respecting parents leads to a peaceful and long life.

Application:

I need to be careful in my home of thrusting this into the faces of my kids (especially when I am frustrated). This danger will become clearer in verse 4 tomorrow. Our little ones are precious gifts to us from God and although He has this command to them, it does not alleviate my responsibility to honor Him in my love and raising of them.

Today’s Psalm:

​ My heart overflows with a pleasing theme;
I address my verses to the king;
my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe.
Psalms 45:1

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:31-32

Yesterday I left off on Paul talking about how our marriage is to reflect the relationship between Christ and the body of the church. I was making the assertion that Paul might be saying that ‘our marriage’, in itself, is a member of the church body. Well, these next 2 verses continue to reinforce that.

Through verse 31 (Genesis 2:24), God breaks the act of marriage into three parts. First, it shows a man forming a new family unit by leaving his parents, which in ancient times was more about care and oversight than physical location. Next, it describes the man joining his wife, symbolizing the new family unit. Finally, it talks about becoming one flesh, highlighting the unique union that sex creates when a man and woman come together. BUT, God is saying that it is more than this and follows up verse 31 with what that it is. It is a mystery how this oneness can be true. It’s almost like Paul is wrestling with how to describe something indescribable.

The mystery is this aspect of oneness about marriage, but it is connected to the greater mystery of Christ’s relationship and the church. Christ is the God Son of the trinity, yet He is God. When I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, I became one with Him and He with me. When God the Father looks at me, He sees the spotlessness of His Son. When I look at what happens when a group of believers comes together in the name of the Son, we see the hand of God move in powerful ways. What Paul is saying is that marriage is like this great mystery of the church’s relationship with Christ.

The Mystery is that there are aspects of Christ’s relationship with the church, and the connectedness we have with our wives that are unseen and our feeble human brains can’t see the who picture of how profound this mystery is. This is why sex within marriage is the only acceptable place for sexual intimacy to happen. The act of a sexual union bonds us to our spouse in ways that are not entirely understood by us. It is why God designed it this way.

Application:

I need to keep pursuing how God would use my marriage and oneness with Marianne for the work of His Kingdom through ministry and service to Him. One of the ways we are doing that now is by pursuing all the knowledge we can to counsel others toward the answers in God’s word. We have completed both the Foundations and Observation classes and are in the middle of working through the Theology of Biblical Counseling. I know that God has so much more for us.

Today’s Psalm:

All this has come upon us,
though we have not forgotten you,
and we have not been false to your covenant.
Our heart has not turned back,
nor have our steps departed from your way
Psalms 44:17-18

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 
Ephesians 5:28-30

Different than what wives called to do in submission, the ‘should’ in verse 28 is more of a call of obligation. “Husbands SHOULD love their wives”. The comparison with Christ’s model deepens the obligation: in doing this, they do it like and for him. It is a form of worship to live this way. The connection to Jesus enforces the point. This is the same thought that God uses in Leviticus when describing how we should love our neighbor…our wives being our closest neighbors.

You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.
Leviticus 19:18

Paul’s message is about love and care in marriage, not about control. He stresses that a wife is part of her husband, so marriage shouldn’t be a power struggle. Both partners are responsible to God for their actions in the marriage. The husband should love his wife because it’s his duty to God, and the wife should submit because it’s her duty to God. This means they should work together and aim for harmony, even if they don’t always agree. When I listen to Marianne, it’s like listening to a part of myself and maybe even hearing God through her. The idea is that we’re a team, working together as one. This isn’t about loving yourself, but about giving love for something bigger than just you. This shows my wife is equal to me, not lower, and is a part of me.

Seeing Marianne as part of my identity affects all aspects of our relationship. This makes marriage special. The phrase “not hating” means there shouldn’t be any alienation or hostility in our life together. The term “nourishes” (ektrephō) means nurturing, like raising a child. The term “cherishes” (thalpō) means giving comfort or warmth. This is the kind of care Jesus showed, not just by sacrificing himself to cleanse the church, but also by continuing to care for it.

Application:

The biggest take away I have from this is that we normally think of ourselves (husbands and wives) as members of Body of Christ…but here it says ‘we’ are members of the church body. What if, as the head of my marriage, saw our marriage oneness as a member of the Body of Christ? Now not only am I thinking about how I think and act as Christ living in me and I in Him but now I relate to how ‘we’ think, act, and behave as a member of the church body. The more I think about this the more I feel that this is Paul’s intent on connecting the Body of Christ and the ‘Oneness’ of our marital covenant.

Today’s Psalm:

In God we have boasted continually,
and we will give thanks to your name forever.
Psalms 44:8

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 
Ephesians 5:25-27

This call to husbands carries so much gravity. It does this because the likeness Paul uses to explain how we love our wives but mirroring that of Jesus and His bride, the church. Christ died for the eternal salvation of the church, even in the place each individual person was in their sin. That love is not a conditional love, and neither should ours be a conditional love of our wives.

Like wives are called to submit in the same way husbands are called to lead. That first leadership position is in modeling the continuous persistent desire and behavior of fellowshipping with our Lord and Savior through daily bible study, prayer, and leading the family in the nurturing of the fruits of the Spirit in our behavior and upbringing of our children.

Going back to Paul’s comparison of the type of love we should have for our wives, he moves on to giving examples of Christ’s salvation, care, and services He gives His bride, the church. This whole passage is about a type of love that initially drove Him to the cross, but also a ministry to the church to prepare it to see the face of the Heavenly Father one day.

Application:

When I think about my service to and care for Marianne, I know that I fall short in this in many ways. It is in times just like this that the Lord will kick me into gear. My love for Marianne is without question but my follow-though needs a lot of work. One picture that I keep in my head that helps with this, is the thought that I get to prepare Marianne to one day see the face of her true King, the Lord Jesus Christ. I picture myself there watching as she is called before the Lord and He looks at her, I can see her face transfixed on His as He says, “Well done Marianne, My good and faithful servant.”. How proud of moment what will be for me as her loving husband. So, the question I ask myself is, what I am I doing to prepare Marianne for that moment?

Today’s Psalm:

Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.
Psalms 43:3-4

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 
Ephesians 5:23-24

The role of the husband involves head­ship. This headship is to be a mirror in how Christ serves as head and Savior. Christ has the authority but He uses it to save, sacrifice, and serve. Again, power and rank are present, but they are in the context and configured on how that power is used and applied, not just mentioned in isolation. This is an example for the husbands role as head by the way Jesus cares for the church and honors her as His bride. Paul’s entire point about this headship is captured by service, nurturing, and care. Obedience is not something for the husband to demand. In the husband’s love for his wife, he is to show concern for the needs and wellbeing of his wife.

Showing concern for the needs and wellbeing of my wife does not assume or assert that she is any less capable than me…on the contrary, she in fact ‘completes’ ME. I am so much less without her. This instruction from God’s Word only has benefit, never detriment. Meaning, my wife’s call to submission should only result in a benefit to her. Woe to me if I were to ever use this passage as way to control my wife (sinful). Especially if that were in the act of decision making that would encourage my wife to submit to something sinful. The thought of this actually makes me recoil.

Application:

I must tread carefully in fear of God in the role He has placed in my marriage as husband and father. My nose better be buried in God’s Word looking for His light to direct the paths of our family. This call to wives should be super convicting and humbling to us husbands, not the other way around. The gravity I feel for the care and well-being of Marianne should totally usurp my needs…as we will read in the following verses.

Today’s Psalm:

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalms 42:8

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 
Ephesians 5:22 [ESV]

I’ll be getting to this more over the next several days but the fact that Paul uses ‘husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church” so many times in the following verses, makes this so much less about wives as it does about husbands. This passage raises the hackles of a lot of people and honestly it did mine as well until I took a hermeneutical approach to the meaning across all of scripture.

The submission is limited to the husband and is not to all men (your own husbands). The comparison is that just as a woman submits herself to the Lord, so also in her marriage. Her submission to the Lord is used as an analogy, with the recognition that the husband and Christ are not the same but are related to each other in how the home is run. The idea is ‘just as you did it for them, you did it for me’.

And the King will answer them, Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
Matthew 25:40 [ESV]

Christ is my wife’s ultimate authority, and it is He who is calling for this kind of ordering in the home. The exhortation to Marianne focuses on being supportive, as the term ‘respect’ is used in verse 33 as the idea here. The point Paul is making is that the wife chooses to respond in this way. There is no suggestion that the wife is being forced to submit. That also fits the exhortation of first verse, where mutual submission is a response to an exhortation to be submissive. The wife is to respect the husband’s role and support it, as the husband is sensitive to his wife. This is not an endorsement of the patriarchy that surrounded them in the biblical time culture; the call for husbands to have concern for their wives was missing in the larger culture.

It is also significant that what Paul focuses on here is not the rights a person has in the marriage but on his or her responsibility to the other person. The exhortations are ultimately focused outwards. They are not to be read or applied selfishly, but selflessly. The wife is not told to ‘obey’ her husband, as is the case with children and slaves in the next listings. This might be significant. It seems to indicate a place for give-and-take discussion in marriage when a decision is reached. She chooses to be respectful as a way to bring stability to the home.

The assumption of the passage as a whole is that the husband also is sensitive, though it does not qualify the wife’s response as being dependent on the husband’s sensitivity. There is a balance in this passage that provides for the stability being desired. The love and care required of the husband, who in the Graeco-Roman culture would have been seen to have absolute power, shows the effort to convey a balance in the relationship. Marriage works best when sensitivity works in both directions, as the husband leads with a caring, nurturing love and the wife responds with submission. In other words, the submission–love combination is not to be seen in terms of power or rank, as it often is portrayed, but as a form of cooperation in reaching for a shared goal. Even children are to see their parents as a team sharing honor.

Application:

What all of this means practically is that couples have an array of options as to how they design their unique relationship, given how the husband is to be sensitive towards his wife and the wife supportive of her husband – principles that allow for a couple to work out its dynamics in a mutually agreed way in which love and submission work together. For Marianne and I this works in a way that is beautiful. The main point is that the times where we have been in a position where I have made a decision that Marianne submits can be counted on one hand in the 25 years we have been married. We share all decisions and there has never ever been a time where God has called only one of us to a position in ministry or leading of a direction in our Christian lives…these times where I have taken a decision is strictly limited to home dynamics were there was no clear winning direction. Marianne has, in those times, submitted to a direction I have chosen under humble and sober ownership of the household of our family bathed with prayer the weight that I will answer to the Lord for that decision.

Today’s Psalm:

These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Psalms 42:4 [ESV]